I am tired.. physically and mentally

This has not been a great year, notwithstanding the wonderful times I've spent with my two beautiful girls. They have been the saving grace. Without them, I would have lost my sanity. Not that there was much there in the first place. At the beginning of the year, reading some horoscopes, there was doom and gloom painted in relationships. I didnt pay much attention to that. But the past few months has been very very difficult for me. I am not able to control the anger and disappointment within. There has been too many unpleasant issues which never seem to disappear.

Where is life headed towards? I have no idea. I cant bear to foresee worst case scenarios. There is emptiness again and again. Do I go into escapism again, like in the late 90s and pay the price. As much as it would be damn interesting, the spirit within just doesnt seem to have the will to do anything. Each day starts and ends. Almost everyday is about the same. D and K's smiles and laughter, and the occasional mischief, about the only spark. The melodramatic me surfaces more regularly. I look at his photo and say within how I feel I have failed.

I am at a loss at times. I have decided not to take up the shares offered to me. Given a bit more time, I would have been able to, but looking at the present issues at hand, I decided to decline. Time will tell if I made a mistake. It doesnt matter now. I need distractions. More time on work. Longer hours here in the office perhaps. Drinking more could be more fun but it wouldnt change a thing. So, its one day at a time. I need to find peace within.

On another note, K has just finished her K2 and will be going to Standard 1 next Jan. D finished second in school in her finals, way way above our initial expectations. Both have grown into different characters. D being the responsible caring type but still hyper sensitive and emotional. K being the playful and mischievious one who is so very ticklish.

Of fave songs..

One of fave songs for the past few months..... I keep listening in the car...

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know

I love you
I've loved you all along
I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of Hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know

That I love you
I loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'd never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
So far away
Far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
Far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me,and never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me never let me go

Keep breathing
Hold on to me, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me, never let me go

Nickelback, Far Away

And the all time fave would still be:

If a picture paints a thousand words,
then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show,
the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when, my love, for life is running dry,
You come, and pour, yourself, on me.

If a man could be two places at one time I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.

If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you,
and when the world was through,
Then one, by one, the stars would all go out
And you, and I, would simply fly away
David Gates: If

This comes a close second:

Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling christmas eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve

She didn’t recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried.

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totalled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged.

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn’t find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.

She said she’d married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn’t like to lie.

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn’t sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude.

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another ’auld lang syne’...

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away.

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain --

Dan Fogelberg
Same Old Lang Syne

Yup. I can be very mushy mushy beneath the tough shell.

Some quotes

"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel", Maya Angelou, The Rotarian magazine 9/2008.

"Death at a Funeral" is a gem of a comedy movie. The following was said at the end...

' My father was an exceptional man. He may not have been the perfect man but he was a good man. And he loved us. All I wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off. Maybe he had done things he liked to do. Life isn't simple. Its complicated. We're all thrown in here together in a world full of chaos and confused , a world full of questions and no answers. Death always lingering around the corner. '

'And we do our best. We can only do our best and my dad did his best. He always tried to tell me that you have to go for what you want in life, because you never know how long you've gonna be here. And whether you succeed or fail, the most important thing is to have tried. '

'A parent can only guide you in the right direction. In the end, you have to learn for yourself. You have to grow up yourself. So when you all leave here today, I would like you to remember my father for who he really was.'

'A decent loving man. If only we could be as giving and as generous and as understanding as my father was, then the world would be a far better place.'

Yes, its not a perfect write. A bit corny here and there. It was a send-off by a son horrified to find out during the funeral his dad had an affair with a male midget. Disregard the comedy of it all. The words brought back memories.

I am naive

I am many things. Short tempered, nice, angry, unforgiving, generous, I could go on (stop me..stop me... ). Am not in self-denial (almost all of the time). Failing to get my butt off the chair and do my medical checkup, thinking that I am in perfect health, isnt self-denial. I think I am in good health.

But, I am also naive. Naive to think that the right people will always do all the right things always. That people holding positions of authority will act fearlessly, impartially, as custodians of the trust given.

Two months ago, I shot off an email enquiring why a certain project was undertaken by a professional body ( who shall remain nameless for obvious reasons). This professional body wanted to present awards to top achievers of certain public school exams. However, no mention was made in their literature on the amount, the number of awards nor the criteria for assessing the achievment. Nor whether it was going to be a yearly affair. Perhaps because the financial state of the body was healthy nobody thought about these issues. The awards however was restricted solely on members of the body.

All nominations were supposed to be sent within a few days to a person within the committtee.

The function went on, 3 awards given and now its been 2 months and there has been no reply.

It seems, about RM50 was given to each student. Now, personally, I thought RM50 wasnt a big deal. Small amount for fairly well-to-do members/parents. Perhaps the RM50 would have been a major bonus for a poor high achiever. I was also told the two of the kids had a parent sitting in the committee. One of whom received and compiled the nominations. All these info surfaces, after I had sent my first email.

Now, I regret sending the email. And regret sending a reminder earlier today on why theres been no reply for two months. It is moments like this that I feel the crab in me wanting to go sit quietly under a coconut shell or rock, and watch the world pass by.

On a lighter note, two straight nights at Cabana last weekend! It was fun. To just stand there and feel the vibrations (and secondary smoke). To just not think of anything. To just listen to the music. It was a nice escape from the real world.

Old timer sex :)

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an Electric Fence.'

Swirling emotions

Is this a new phase in life. There is much more extremes in the emotions that swirl within over the past few months. Much has been happening, as usual. For a while, I am but a bystander. But the juggling act has been going on for far too long. Peace within is a rarity. Is this all about choices in life. I have to work this out myself, I guess.

The company is undergoing a change of name. A major event, after 28 years of existence. So much to do. The notices should be out next week, I guess, once the official approvals are out. Life will go on, and things should be better in the years to come.

On the social front, I joined this particular organisation a couple of years back, and am now having doubts whether this is where I belong. And this is the second time in a space of 2 months these doubts have creeped in.

I keep reminding that perfection is but an ideal that I can only dream of. To let things be and taking a day at a time is something I will have to accept.

On a lighter note, its been 2 weeks since I went to the gym and its showing. Doesnt help that puasa month has started and am entertaining clients at buka puasa spreads!! Resisting temptations has never been one of my strengths.

Time to clear the backlog. Sigh.

On petrol, subsidies, orang pulau, Johor, the Tun and the nation.

We have to see the bigger picture here. Our leaders totally lack good business sense.

Being a poorer neighbour with a weaker currency, its natural our richer orang pulau will come here to spend. What we should be doing is to encourage them to spend!!!

BUT, when it comes to petrol and other subsidised stuff, our dungu government should be controlling sales to citizens. We have the MYKad anyway. Why not use it. Why not allow only MYKad users to buy subsidised stuff like fuel, cooking oil, flour etc? Those without Mykads will have to pay the full unsubsidised rates, which will still be cheap for the orang pulau.

We have got to remember that millions are spent here in small poor border towns like JB for example. This money trickles down into the local economy and supports the property market, the retail business and the man in the street, by way of employment.Business do well, they pay taxes (if LHDN is smart enough to collect). And business who do well, provide more employment. Its a win-win situation.

The above is a very simplistic outline of the economics involved. If we can have a proper working relationship with them, it will be a win-win situation for all of us.

As for allegations of late that the government is selling off land to orang asing at the expense of the Malays here, I can only sigh at the hypocricy of it all. It was under the old man's term of office that his supposed cronies acquired about 25,000 acres of land around Gelang Patah for the second link project. A substantial acreage of land nearby was also acquired for the Port of Tg Pelepas project. The former screwed up big time due to lack of proper and good business sense, amongst other reasons. The latter has grown into a reputable entity.

Surely after allowing for such a huge land acquisition, the old man didnt expect the site to be redeveloped into a huge township and sold solely to locals?

All this political mess being spilled in the open is very bad for business. The nation is undergoing changes, and so is the region and the world. Can we have some sanity. Can all those at the top push aside their differences and work for the common good of the nation and its people, for once?

Phew... 1 year has passed

Time flies....indeed it has.

Little D is in standard 1 and Little K is in K2 now. Theyve grown into fine young ones. Am proud and at the same time, considering the times that we live in, in constant state of alertness and worry.

Work-wise much has happened. We finally opened our Klang Valley office mid last year and its up and running fine. The BOD meetings for both entities were completed recently.

Living in the times when there is so much to do, and so little time. Stress has been an issue over the past few months. Been going out too often for drinks too. But then again, friends would reply theres never such a thing as too often or too much.

Got to go. This brief few minutes of a break itself is a bonus. Too many things need my attention. Too many things that I wish to write on, but time doesnt permit me.

birthday....

Another year has passed by ever so quickly. And it was memorable again for how little D and K take the trouble to get colour paper, draw colourful hearts and other stuff and insert the birthday greetings. Yup, that was the highlight.

Last night while watching a tv programme alone, I broke down. It was a death scene. How the father was hospitalised and died unconscious after the operation. At that point of time flashbacks kept coming back. Tears started flowing and within seconds my body was shaking and I was crying silently. Everyone else were asleep. It has been a long time since he left us. It has been a long time since I last cried. I have had to try hard to supress thoughts and avoid thinking of him. Last night, sitting there brought back all the memories and pain in losing him suddenly.

Once upon a time, life revolved around a conference

3 months. Thats how long a break it has been. Most of February and March was all about organising a conference here in Johor Bahru. I was the conference secretary. Not entirely something new but nothing had prepared me for the scale and scope of the responsibility that was on my shoulders.

Over the years, I had assisted to organise various half day and full day seminars for the Institution. But this was a major 2 day event with the State government in the picture. After much effort by the Organising Chairperson, we managed to secure confirmation and proceeded to work towards delivering the end product. 5 weeks was all that we had. Finalizing the list of speakers and the topics was the number one headache.

Next on the list of headaches was venue. With such a short time available, ZON wasnt available, and we were forced to accept latest convention centre in town. This was done with much reservations considering the slow response time and exhorbitant cost. Just to get a quotation was taking them 1 to 2 weeks. To amend it took another week or so. The excuse was it took 3 persons to sign the document. And I replied, "So why does it take more than a week???". Cost wise, it was 30 to 40 % higher than ZON or Hyatt. And for participants, RM8 was the parking fee, which was almost double of the rates quoted elsewhere.

The one major thing I was personally proud of doing was ensuring the buffet menu was sensitive to all the major races/religion i.e. meaning, no beef to be served. It didnt make sense for a multi racial group to be served beef when half of the participants abstains from it. What motivated me further to act was seeing the first proposed menu containing only beef soup on the first day. No options. Very insensitive on the part of the convention hall managers. But then again, since school going days, we keep seeing this insensitivity again and again.

There was much paperwork. It was beyond all pre-conceived imagination. The office secretary and 2 other staff were asked to assist. And they delivered. They worked hard and helped ensure we were on schedule and in control of the situation.

We were somewhat lucky in selecting the printers. An old classmate gave a lead which led us to work with a medium sized outfit from Kg Melayu. My gut-feeling was to go with them, and pray all went on well. True enough, they delivered. They were very obliging in delaying deadlines and came up with finished products of reasonable standards.

If I was asked what was the critical factors to ensure success of a conference, I would say there were 2. One was the speakers lined up. Get good ones, and half the battle is won. The second critical factor is marketing. There is no point lining up world class speakers if nobody turns up.

The marketing was a time consuming task. We had no prior experience to tackle an assignment of this size. Getting 80 participants to attend a one-day seminar was a big deal. Getting 300 to 500 participants was different altogether. I pushed for adverts in the local papers and we got that done. Flyers were sent to all members of the Institution. Flyers were hand delivered to post boxes of all major office buildings in the city as well as all the pigeon hole boxes at the Courts. Next came the faxes. Hundreds were sent out to other professional bodies, other professionals, financial institutions, fund managers, property developers, contractors, embassies, etc. Emails were sent out to various individuals, companies and real estate groups. The latter exercise made us realise, there were lots of people out there who dont read their emails regularly, if ever at all.

Coincidently, we were getting very busy at office with our work. Work that we get paid for. Those were trying times. Assistance was requested. Someone had volunteered to send a staff over to our office to assist. We took up on the offer. Later on, we were told the staff was there only to collect cheques and bank them in. Duhhh big time. That incidently practically set my soul ablaze. The anger and disappointment will be there for a long time. At a time when a plea for help went out, none at the top obliged.

Almost everything was heaped on us to handle. Correspondence that was supposed to be done by others, landed on our desk. Various lame excuses given. Yet, we tried hard to deliver. Even the souvenir magazine preparation was very very slow off the block. The printer required 2 weeks to prepare and yet when the deadline to deliver came, the person in charge had hardly done anything, citing a busy work schedule. Again here we had to assist with the editing and compiling. In the end, the printer had only 3 full days to get the books produced, which they did.
At various times during the month, I contemplated resigning out of frustration. And each time I came to the conclusion, to do so was to be irresponsible, regardless of how justified my actions would be. Towards the end, I desensitized myself when hearing comments of me being a superman in handling the tasks.

Short of sleep for days at a time, it was natural tempers were on the rise, on my part. The fuse became shorter. Office work couldnt be neglected either. For me, it was a responsibility to deliver on all fronts. A speaker on the second day, an old friend, when asked the single most important factor that defines success, answered it was "promise". If you make a promise, make sure you deliver. That hit it right on the nail. We promised to deliver a conference and therefore we had to go all out to ensure we delivered. Incidentally, that paper and the panel discussion that followed, were the only sessions I had the time to listen to. The price one paid for being part of the organising committee.

A total of about 510 participants attended, including some invited guests and organisers. We had the most unpleasant task of turning away late-comers. As for the speakers, part of them gave their papers at the very last moment. At least three of them declined permission to distribute their papers to participants. It was naturally their right but I found that very surprising. It was ok to show the slides to 500+ persons in the hall and press that were present, but it wasnt ok it put it onto hard copies for circulation. I will never understand the logic. In the end, I, personally, didnt get to know what was presented. My loss.

Various incidents occured during the two days. To list them down would be emotionally draining I guess. Or, am just too frustrated and lazy now to put it down to words. It may not bring any good to bring such stuff out in the open. Venting frustrations here does have it limits. In the end, the committee did its job. We delivered.

If a conference's success was judged by the number of participants or the number of speakers or the probable high profitability, then this was indeed a very successful event.

Much time had been spent to deliver the promise, at the expense of office work and time with the family. It has been an invaluable experience. And now, we are tying up loose ends. Once that is done, am out. I have done my "national service".