Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
You took all there was to take,
And left with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I, I’ve given up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,
Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Do you really have everything you want?
You could never give something you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself
Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you`re happy now, oohh oohhh
come on tell it to my face or have i been erased,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?
Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had that all I can take
And I’m about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?
I keep looking too much into song lyrics. Sigh. Michelle Branch's Are you happy now, is haunting me now.
Friday, August 15, 2003
The past few days has been difficult. There has been too many problems surfacing. Too many idiots bungling. Too many issues needing attention. And work has been overwhelming. Had been looking at the latter from the positive angle for weeks now, till a few days back when the junior staff dumped his resignation letter on my table when i wasnt around. Supposedly leaving on the basis of a RM300 increment, that was something which could have easily been met with our productivity incentive had he worked more efficiently. Have had to do site inspection work past 2 days, which am used to. But its a headache to allocate time to do the paperwork. The adverts for job vacancy will come out early next week. One lady had already came today for an interview. She had some experience, but told her honestly i would rather see the response to our advert. We need a wider pool of candidates to chose from. Its time to stop being nice to new staff cos its rarely appreciated. At the end of the day, we just end up being a training ground for others to pinch.
EPL starts on saturday. The fantasy league is very difficult this year. Prices are high, thus choices are a major headache. Not an easy feat to buy 11 players at 100 million dollars. The guys from last season have got together again in a private league. A welcome distraction this will be for the next 8 months.
Have confirmed KL trip end of this month. A 5 or 6 day trip. The family would love it. And i need the distraction and rest. The back is still sore. Have been procastinating and not seen a doctor about it. As a result, have laid off squash now for almost a month. Have started carrying light weights again. Perhaps that has been a bad idea. Must see a doc!
Its almost 1am. Not started on office work yet. Sigh.
EPL starts on saturday. The fantasy league is very difficult this year. Prices are high, thus choices are a major headache. Not an easy feat to buy 11 players at 100 million dollars. The guys from last season have got together again in a private league. A welcome distraction this will be for the next 8 months.
Have confirmed KL trip end of this month. A 5 or 6 day trip. The family would love it. And i need the distraction and rest. The back is still sore. Have been procastinating and not seen a doctor about it. As a result, have laid off squash now for almost a month. Have started carrying light weights again. Perhaps that has been a bad idea. Must see a doc!
Its almost 1am. Not started on office work yet. Sigh.
Sunday, August 10, 2003
The frequency has indeed dropped. Its not for lack of interest to write. I want to. But the tendency to think of the past is still there.
Why, one could ask, would i bother to put in so much effort to keep a friendship going, and regardless of how many times its broken, i keep going back trying hard to keep it alive, and then just turn around..and finally say am going off, and meaning it. Am one notorious to simply walk away from people for the simplest of reasons. Its after all the chat world. And yet, there are occasions i've done the exact opposite. Well this time, i've finally realised, am confronted with a stranger. Someone i know not. For so many months early this year i was in the dumps. Had been mentally worn out. Felt so bad, that i thought i had let down a friend in need. That i had walked away, when i shouldnt have. Upon reflection of late, i realise, my folly. In the final instance, thats always the right thing to do, to be fair to all parties. Its something not done impulsively. Had thought about it for days. Enough said. Enough said, i keep telling myself. Its been more than a month since i entered KL1, and i can safely say i dont miss it. I have not been tempted to enter and chat there. I still keep in touch with the few who still bother to message or email me.
Past few days were quite worrying. The little one was down with a fever for 3 days, despite medication and tests done. Thankfully she is well now. It was the first time she had ever got sick, i think.
Hurray..the EPL football yahoo fantasy site is up and running and we have a few days to name the teams. An added welcome to distract and torture the mind. But with the increased workload at office, and long working hours, its gonna be toughm, very tough.
Saturday was an interesting morning. Was introduced to the world of digital mapping. Its something we will be seriously considering adopting. Coming back to office after lunch was perhaps a wrong move. To see an envelope with my name on it. The most junior executive we have had tendered his resignation.
While it can be fairly stated that he has not been impressive, but after many months of training and giving the opportunity to learn, its frustratingly annoying to see such an impersonal act. So very polite when requesting for a job, and so bloody rude in resigning in that manner. Supposedly he has been offerred a higher salary by a competitor. (God save them from his mistakes). No mention of the one month notice. Good riddance. Come monday he will surely get an earfull from me. No, we wont be counter offering. No, none of that nonsense. But we're in a predicament. We need to advertise for staff surely. The quotes from the computer vendor has yet to arrive. So much to be done in the next few weeks. And so very short handed at office.
Why, one could ask, would i bother to put in so much effort to keep a friendship going, and regardless of how many times its broken, i keep going back trying hard to keep it alive, and then just turn around..and finally say am going off, and meaning it. Am one notorious to simply walk away from people for the simplest of reasons. Its after all the chat world. And yet, there are occasions i've done the exact opposite. Well this time, i've finally realised, am confronted with a stranger. Someone i know not. For so many months early this year i was in the dumps. Had been mentally worn out. Felt so bad, that i thought i had let down a friend in need. That i had walked away, when i shouldnt have. Upon reflection of late, i realise, my folly. In the final instance, thats always the right thing to do, to be fair to all parties. Its something not done impulsively. Had thought about it for days. Enough said. Enough said, i keep telling myself. Its been more than a month since i entered KL1, and i can safely say i dont miss it. I have not been tempted to enter and chat there. I still keep in touch with the few who still bother to message or email me.
Past few days were quite worrying. The little one was down with a fever for 3 days, despite medication and tests done. Thankfully she is well now. It was the first time she had ever got sick, i think.
Hurray..the EPL football yahoo fantasy site is up and running and we have a few days to name the teams. An added welcome to distract and torture the mind. But with the increased workload at office, and long working hours, its gonna be toughm, very tough.
Saturday was an interesting morning. Was introduced to the world of digital mapping. Its something we will be seriously considering adopting. Coming back to office after lunch was perhaps a wrong move. To see an envelope with my name on it. The most junior executive we have had tendered his resignation.
While it can be fairly stated that he has not been impressive, but after many months of training and giving the opportunity to learn, its frustratingly annoying to see such an impersonal act. So very polite when requesting for a job, and so bloody rude in resigning in that manner. Supposedly he has been offerred a higher salary by a competitor. (God save them from his mistakes). No mention of the one month notice. Good riddance. Come monday he will surely get an earfull from me. No, we wont be counter offering. No, none of that nonsense. But we're in a predicament. We need to advertise for staff surely. The quotes from the computer vendor has yet to arrive. So much to be done in the next few weeks. And so very short handed at office.
Monday, August 04, 2003
Been wanting to comment on one issue, and keep forgetting. Yes, i've many chat IDs. The present one has been my regular ID since 18 August 1998.
How did it start? Well, i had other IDs for about a year plus. An unfortunate incident happened, and in the course of the exchange of words, someone said i was insane. Am still friends with this person. Wanting to create a totally new ID, that word stuck to my mind, and being a cancerian, the natural reaction was to name the ID as insane cancerian. And as fate would have it, the yahoo account was blocked a few days. No idea why. And i created a new account. The song virtual insanity came to mind. And thus the id came to life.
And in the course of the past few years, ive had a few other IDs which ive used sparingly in other chat rooms. The ones i just move about for fun. Some who read this blog, will be surprised, some might be shocked or disgusted. :) Thats what happens when i keep this blog public, and keep the url on my status message. I can live with it. How people react to it, becomes quite immaterial at this stage of life.
Chat is for fun. It is not to seek husbands or wives, nor brothers or sisters. And there has never been any intention to knowingly hurt. An occasional white lie is acceptable, i guess, for me :D. Yes, am a hypocrite at times, am fully aware. As i would doubt almost anything someone tells me about themself, am sure others too would do the same. But those who've met me, know who i really am. And the very few who have met my family too, well theyre very lucky. :) I doubt anyone else will. But some might ask, if chat was all that, why did i leave that particular environment? I think ive said enough in my earlier blogging. One word summarizes it all.. sadness.
So, to anyone who has been reading this blog, i thank you. Am flattered that anyone would read my ramblings. My long winded lines. What i write, is what i feel and think about. If what i've said to you is not consistent with what ive written here, by all means bring the issue up to me, or if you wish the easy way out, to just ignore me in future.
How did it start? Well, i had other IDs for about a year plus. An unfortunate incident happened, and in the course of the exchange of words, someone said i was insane. Am still friends with this person. Wanting to create a totally new ID, that word stuck to my mind, and being a cancerian, the natural reaction was to name the ID as insane cancerian. And as fate would have it, the yahoo account was blocked a few days. No idea why. And i created a new account. The song virtual insanity came to mind. And thus the id came to life.
And in the course of the past few years, ive had a few other IDs which ive used sparingly in other chat rooms. The ones i just move about for fun. Some who read this blog, will be surprised, some might be shocked or disgusted. :) Thats what happens when i keep this blog public, and keep the url on my status message. I can live with it. How people react to it, becomes quite immaterial at this stage of life.
Chat is for fun. It is not to seek husbands or wives, nor brothers or sisters. And there has never been any intention to knowingly hurt. An occasional white lie is acceptable, i guess, for me :D. Yes, am a hypocrite at times, am fully aware. As i would doubt almost anything someone tells me about themself, am sure others too would do the same. But those who've met me, know who i really am. And the very few who have met my family too, well theyre very lucky. :) I doubt anyone else will. But some might ask, if chat was all that, why did i leave that particular environment? I think ive said enough in my earlier blogging. One word summarizes it all.. sadness.
So, to anyone who has been reading this blog, i thank you. Am flattered that anyone would read my ramblings. My long winded lines. What i write, is what i feel and think about. If what i've said to you is not consistent with what ive written here, by all means bring the issue up to me, or if you wish the easy way out, to just ignore me in future.
A great start to Monday. The weekend was quite peaceful. Was with family at home. Monday morning saw Man. Utd. beat Barcelona 3-1. And my position in the yahoo fantasy golf goes up to 199 in the world, out of 285,997 :D
The mind has craving for distractions all the time. Keep making the mistake of reflecting on the past. And keep reminding myself to stay impersonal, to stay distant, and dont bother anyone anymore. Some things in life, must never be said. This is one major lesson that i've learnt the hard way. Can only hope, i will not repeat such mistakes in future.
The mind is almost a complete blank now. David Gates's new song is nice. "I cant play the songs" or something like that.
Time for a quick lunch, and then back to work.
The mind has craving for distractions all the time. Keep making the mistake of reflecting on the past. And keep reminding myself to stay impersonal, to stay distant, and dont bother anyone anymore. Some things in life, must never be said. This is one major lesson that i've learnt the hard way. Can only hope, i will not repeat such mistakes in future.
The mind is almost a complete blank now. David Gates's new song is nice. "I cant play the songs" or something like that.
Time for a quick lunch, and then back to work.
Friday, August 01, 2003
I seem to be blogging lesser nowadays. Thats not good news.
Wrote an entire paragraph, and then realised i was repeating myself. I've said my final goodbye to one who is a stranger to me. I must move one.
There has been comments that i am hyper sensitive and all too easily slighted. And that it was my major weakness. Hmmm, there is some truth in that. Some, i stress. Yes, i am sensitive. Hyper at times. I am unable to read minds, When we chat, i have no idea what your emotions are. What your true thoughts and meanings might be. All that i do is to react, and to interpret and perceive. At times, my perceptions are wrong, my interpretations go haywire. And in interpreting and perceiving, i would naturally look at the worst case scenarios. The onus has to be on the other party to correct me.
When we talk or meet, yes we would talk. We would hear each other. Messages are conveyed better. There is lesser room for miunderstandings. Mere written words, is just too difficult to be just interpreted literally.
When i approach a friendship, i would try to be as open as possible, as honest as possible, and yet be protective of my privacy. No, i would try very very hard to abstain from being lovey dovey. A person who confides their problems, would get my attention. I would emphathise with them. I would feel the emotions they are going through. Perhaps this inability to detach myself from these emotions, have lead to many problems over the years. By immersing myself into those problems, i just complicate matters. A new dimension is added. To detach oneself, would allow one the benefit of being less personal, and less emotional. I must master this detachment. Would i be less of a human by doing this. I wonder.
I read somewhere that cancerians supposedly treasure friendships and would never break one. I think its an error. A half-truth. I feel, i will try hard to keep friendships, but there are limits. There are times friendships just deteriorate into being just aquaintances or it breaks up. Once the limits are breached, one tends to react. There may be different reasons, and there has over the years been many reasons. A perception of being taken for granted. A lack of initiative to keep a friendship going. A situation when the conversation is limited to the customary polite chat of hellos and how are yous. When it is only one party that carrys the entire communication, ie. a one way street. A lack of sensitivity or genuine remorse over an indiscretion. TOo many possibilities. The crab just detaches itself and retreats into its shell for a variety of reasons. Perhaps to nurse the hurt. To not create a fuss or fight. To not be a bother. To not intrude into their lives. To not hurt. To wait and see if theres an attempt to talk things out.
Health is on the upside now. Feeling almost as good as new. The lower back still worries me though. It still scares me to think of the problem last week. To be immobile in the car and struggling to drive, is no fun. The slight twitch has started again. Perhaps its time i take this seriously and see a specialist. Squash is not an option at the moment. Have to stick to light workouts and weights at the moment.
Fantasy golf has been good still. Improved rankings to 243 now. All time high. Taunted Hogan and the aussies. But alas, he has mellowed. No fireworks. No dribbling.
EPL ..2 weeks to go. Cant wait.
Work has been tremendously hectic. Volume of work has exceeded what had been the norm during the boom period. Turnover is beginning to sustain at a healthy level. Long working hours has become the norm. The staff are struggling. Had to come out with various incentive packages to motivate. To expand would be too risky a gamble. But the computer vendor has been called. We need to upgrade. Lots of new hardware and software. Something that should improve productivity.
Gonna leave the office early today. Am tired, mentally worn out.
Wrote an entire paragraph, and then realised i was repeating myself. I've said my final goodbye to one who is a stranger to me. I must move one.
There has been comments that i am hyper sensitive and all too easily slighted. And that it was my major weakness. Hmmm, there is some truth in that. Some, i stress. Yes, i am sensitive. Hyper at times. I am unable to read minds, When we chat, i have no idea what your emotions are. What your true thoughts and meanings might be. All that i do is to react, and to interpret and perceive. At times, my perceptions are wrong, my interpretations go haywire. And in interpreting and perceiving, i would naturally look at the worst case scenarios. The onus has to be on the other party to correct me.
When we talk or meet, yes we would talk. We would hear each other. Messages are conveyed better. There is lesser room for miunderstandings. Mere written words, is just too difficult to be just interpreted literally.
When i approach a friendship, i would try to be as open as possible, as honest as possible, and yet be protective of my privacy. No, i would try very very hard to abstain from being lovey dovey. A person who confides their problems, would get my attention. I would emphathise with them. I would feel the emotions they are going through. Perhaps this inability to detach myself from these emotions, have lead to many problems over the years. By immersing myself into those problems, i just complicate matters. A new dimension is added. To detach oneself, would allow one the benefit of being less personal, and less emotional. I must master this detachment. Would i be less of a human by doing this. I wonder.
I read somewhere that cancerians supposedly treasure friendships and would never break one. I think its an error. A half-truth. I feel, i will try hard to keep friendships, but there are limits. There are times friendships just deteriorate into being just aquaintances or it breaks up. Once the limits are breached, one tends to react. There may be different reasons, and there has over the years been many reasons. A perception of being taken for granted. A lack of initiative to keep a friendship going. A situation when the conversation is limited to the customary polite chat of hellos and how are yous. When it is only one party that carrys the entire communication, ie. a one way street. A lack of sensitivity or genuine remorse over an indiscretion. TOo many possibilities. The crab just detaches itself and retreats into its shell for a variety of reasons. Perhaps to nurse the hurt. To not create a fuss or fight. To not be a bother. To not intrude into their lives. To not hurt. To wait and see if theres an attempt to talk things out.
Health is on the upside now. Feeling almost as good as new. The lower back still worries me though. It still scares me to think of the problem last week. To be immobile in the car and struggling to drive, is no fun. The slight twitch has started again. Perhaps its time i take this seriously and see a specialist. Squash is not an option at the moment. Have to stick to light workouts and weights at the moment.
Fantasy golf has been good still. Improved rankings to 243 now. All time high. Taunted Hogan and the aussies. But alas, he has mellowed. No fireworks. No dribbling.
EPL ..2 weeks to go. Cant wait.
Work has been tremendously hectic. Volume of work has exceeded what had been the norm during the boom period. Turnover is beginning to sustain at a healthy level. Long working hours has become the norm. The staff are struggling. Had to come out with various incentive packages to motivate. To expand would be too risky a gamble. But the computer vendor has been called. We need to upgrade. Lots of new hardware and software. Something that should improve productivity.
Gonna leave the office early today. Am tired, mentally worn out.
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